Jennifer’s Story

This is one of a thirty part exposé on the Children of the Legion. This group of women, then girls, in the Regnum Christi, share their stories of abuse, neglect and the aftermath of being children in the Regnum Christi. For a complete list of stories to date, view Children of the Legion.


I was there my freshman year and then start of my sophomore year. I know it wasn’t all horrible, but there are many things that left a very bitter taste in my mouth, and I know that overshadows all the fun times that I had on outings, seeing the Christmas room, etc. For whatever it’s worth, I just can’t bring myself to practice religion anymore. I truly believe it’s the result of having everything dictated as “God’s will”. My life is much more peaceful now without worrying about any of that.

My biggest regret from being a PC is how we weren’t allowed “special” friendships. I know I was there with amazing girls, and it kills me that I didn’t make lasting friendships. How is it even possible to put so many girls into the same dormitory, eating together, studying together, praying together, and at the same time know almost nothing about them? We should all have gotten into mischief, stayed up late playing ridiculous teenage truth or dare games, and generally been super close to each other. It’s been 13 years since then, and I still struggle to make lasting friendships. I have to force “girl time” because it just seems strange to me – thankfully I have a handful of amazing friends, but I feel like it was easy to make friends prior to the PC, and it’s something I have to work at now. Somehow that part of me got lost.

Many parts of me got lost, really. I feel like the spiritual direction/confession process was really just another name for stripping away my personality and making me an obedient little PC. I was continuously told I was proud, that I had faults, etc. That really wore on me as a freshman, and I ended up with ridiculously low self esteem. Instead of a lecture, most often I really could have just used a hug. I don’t think that anyone was really looking out for me. I had some knee troubles that first year, and was on crutches for what seemed like forever (anyone remember how fast I could swing myself down the glass corridor on those things though? Haha). My doctor wanted me to rehab it by doing some swimming and exercises to strengthen it, but my formators denied my family’s request because it would have taken me too far outside of the big-S schedule. While I was hobbling around on crutches, I was criticized for not completing my housework completely – I had the dorm bathrooms at that time. I got a lecture about how I should be able to figure out how to empty the personal hygiene trash bins in each stall. To this day, I’m still unsure how they expected me to pick those suckers up and carry them to the main trash can while on crutches. Same thing for my asthma – I was told to “offer it up” whenever I’d encounter triggers and start wheezing, rather than staying healthy and not sweeping up dust, etc.


49 Weeks
This story is a testimony from the 49 Weeks Blog. You can see this and more stories by visiting 49 Weeks.

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5 thoughts on “Jennifer’s Story”

  1. I have wanted for a long time to write about how one can be manipulated into not having friends and I keep writing others things

    Here, on the regain site in the stories of the women who were part of regnu christi, i have read of a demand for the girls not to have friends because to have one friend would be discriminating on the other girls.
    I have also read that they are not allowed to talk to other girls about any feelings they have worries and such or their health which meant that if they did talk to other girls it was on superficial things. Suppose the spiritual directors did not want them to give each other advice that was inappropriate.
    I have heard some other ways of manipulating people out of havign friends.
    My experience is, that I have been told that so and so some people i thought I would make nice friends werre not the right sort , that at a time in which I trusted this persssons advice. THat stopped making friends merely because I thought that these people did not want to know me.

    Another technic is to suggest that so and so was not my friend as in had bad intention towards me, was not really friendly. Every time i was friendly I got told to remembered that so and so was not my friend.
    In this case what was happening was that the whole normal course of human friendship was being put out of joint.
    I am sixty two years old , I am friendly to people in order to forward the smooth running of some relationship or other not because I beieve I will form a perfect relationship with who ever.
    That might sound vain but I think many people try to help others the odd thing is that those in the legion don’t believe in the bounty of people, they only believe that people do everything for selfish reasons this allows them to get to work changing everyone and while i am tiid in my efforts to help people they believe in erasing the person in order to put their stap on them..
    I am often friendly because I try to favour good behaviour not because I believe the other is my friend but in order to help them.
    I am also friendly because I just like people.
    Also it is as well to know those around you, it helps you to stop nieghbors eating you up. Often though i am just to busy to talk to anyone

    I have long asked my self what others needed rather than what I wanted and tried to help them out with their problems, loneliness insecurities, character problems, what ever. I am not often trying to find my soul mate nor imagining any one person will be more of a help than a problem in life. How could I, for most of my life people have been more of a problem. I am a woman my position has been low for all y adult life.
    How could I, I am well over the age at which people start being a mother, a mother asks what people need. I am an adult i have not always known what to do with the problems of others but i ask what they need not what i can get off them, though somtimes I wonder how they might help me.

    THe arguement that htey are not friends worries me but not too much however for the young this sort of throwing into doubt the good faith of potential friends might be devastating. It might stop them trying to relate to others.

    It is hard to say, “dont be silly, a sort of real real friendship, type knight and his squire, in which his squire is totally faithful to the knight, is not ever what I expect to find, so you cant put me off trying to know people because they will not be perfect friends. becaue thinking out what you think is often hard.
    Mostly it is hard because Legionnaires just say no to any bit of information that does not suit them. which is of course maddening, there isif you are with them no way out of a thoroughly unreal world unless you can escape their company and aof course if a member of your family is involved escape means abandoning which ever member is envolved. The normal way out would be to inject a crazy companion with a bit of sense but Legionnaires think God is behind their every word or the Holy Ghost and htey have their swallowed stragly unreal rubbish because the preson who taught them beliieved tha tgGod was behind it, so there is not way they are going to drop and ideea taht comes straight from God.

    If i were a young girl how would beging taught something so unreal as that friends should be perfect, effect my power to relate to others. Negativly I think, is that not that a evil thing to do to people. The legion teaches horribly unrealistic things. How can people brought up by them conduct their life after what the legion teaches.
    I think that to say this sort of thing is to put things out of joint, friendships are not and doont have to be and cant be perfect, which is as i have said before a usual bully technic.
    This friend is not a real friend because who ever isnot entirely nice is to make it seem as if friendship only happens in perfect circumstances and you have as usual to argue about a sliding scale of optimum reason to relate to people in which many imperfect friends are still good enough to make an effort for them.

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  2. Another way they have of trying to stop you have friends is to say that that the person in question at any given time is not for you or you wont be good for them, but that last is not the exact wording they use. When a person is feeling respectful of the opinion of others and religious others are more likely to be respected at first at any rate, this makes you hang back from the effort of forming a relationship with that particular person, imagining there are special circumstances character differences that make this a sensible bit of advice. This stops you from trying to be friends with that particular person.

    If you don’t take their advice,They tell you you don’t like being told things much as you are a person who often takes other peoples advice seriously. This makes you more likely to take their advice , you wish to prove you can take advice.
    This accusing others of not taking advice is their normal, taking things out of joint. They are only looking for reasons to say you wont listen to anyone else, so they don’t notice that in fact you often respect other peoples opinion. They only notice and underline the occasions on which you don-t take their advice. Of course the reasons for not taking theirs are numerous……………………..
    Your attention can be directed so that you are so focused one the occasion in which you have not taken other peoples advice that you forget to remember that you often do.
    It is hard to argue that you are a person who listens to others, to do so you have to remember the occasions in which you have have a list of htem at the tip of your tongue and use these as proof that you do listen to others, which is hard work and work yo uhope you will not be forced t to do. ALso, as usual, yo are being made to argue what is a sliding scale, you don’t always take criticism but yo do sometimes.

    Central to what they say on friends for them is that they think a real friend is one who will make you go to heaven through such fierce examination of your conscious that you will be obliged to admit bad motives you have never had.
    There is a film of Luc Bessons “Joan of Arc” in which this process is filmed. Joan is made to admit motives she never had, that no male general would have been made to admit in a film , such as that only pride and personal advancement made her itry to get were she got, much as in the case of male generals getting to be generals presumably had to do with a search for advancement, as well as luck and just being good at it not to mad or holy voices, the person Besson chooses as a good example of tryign for her own good is the person who was driven by voices, maybe the legions. CHarism the charism that MM is said to have possessed is about such miraculous activities. That Marcial Maciel possesed such is a reason to doubt the holiness of haing apparently miraculous abilities.
    The whole second half of the film is about a priest who appears in the cellar she is locked in and shrives her.who apears to her many times. His shriving goes way past getting her to admit any known characteristics of this saints personality. It is horrible, she is so humiliated and unfairly so. It is a film I don’t want to watch again.
    One critic described the first half of the film as portraying her as, a valley girl on amphetamines, something that also has nothing to do with contemporary reports of her character.

    When you hear their objections to your making friends with whoever, you imagine the reasons for being warned off people are the normal ones, you are not their sort of people, for example, but the formators have the idea that real friendship is one of harsh shriving of others and no other friendship is real in their minds, their objections, were they to voice them, are not normal human ones. They do voice them but not in the context of any one particular example of when they have adviced against a friendship. They don’t tell you they think you are no good because you are not a formator at the moment they advice you on something punctual, on your possible relationship with any one person, so it is possible to think they have a particular motive for what they say at any given moment and to forget they are anti friendship in general.
    I think humans are bad at keeping the whole picture in mind instead of attending the point in hand at any given moment, which is why it is possible to forget that legionares are anti friendship and to imagine ordinary motives for their words.
    The formators are thinking one thing and being unclear about heir motives for talking about your friendship so you are affected by considerations you have imagined are theirs not by their real considerations.
    It is one thing to talk of how I took what they said and so what manipulations others will have to deal with and another to talk of why legionaires believe in what they say and they are aware of how you will take things they are expert manipulaters they mean yo uto imagien good motives for their injunctions against any particular person. It is very complicated talking about what they do for this sort of reason.

    . They tell you a person is not for you because no person is for you, their comments on your suitability for others has nothing to do with character dissimilarity, that you might imagine their comments refer to, in all truth they don’t think you should be with anyone at all because you are not going to be the true friend who will get them into heaven by being horrible to them.

    My experience is that street recruiter type people will tell you off for being kind to others. That is not what they the person you were kind to needs they say. of course if you take their advice amd get nasty and i have done that, imagining they are sensible, this is another way they have of separating you from others.
    This advice affected me, i thought the person in question had some character problem the legionnaire was aware of and I was not, instead of seeing they are just mostly against any kindness at all and there is no need to heed their advice, such advice is part of a general tendency of theirs, it is not due to a particular piece of information they have and I don’t.
    You should not be with your children you are not a formator! This Is one of their extensions of this sort of way of thinking. People should be afraid to let their children near a catholic.

    One might ask how the world would run if only formators talked to anyone. They are not into giving serious consideration to any objection that might which make their whole way of behaving look terrible so this is not a subject they will agree to speculate on. It might make them doubt that God meant them to be horrible so as to get people into heaven and their whole world would fall on top of them.

    Imagine a whole lot of children who had never had the warmth of a friendship that was not purely dedicated to pulling them to pieces for fear some small bit of pride entered their souls. How would they become teenagers anyone could talk to if in their childhood they only knew such as were always stern critics of there behaviour and such people as were never frivolous or affectionate. Would they have developed a heart under such a cold regime?

    Nothing practical like that the young are afraid they are unattractive and need nice clothes and kind words to help them feel good about themselves will get through to these people who don’t believe in anything but the harshest of regimes.

    People only have real confidence when they have experience of being a leader or doing anything else. The young, often, have not much real experience, and as they are young any experience they have had is likely to have been not enough to make them one hundred percent successful and so they wobble between feeling the world is their oyster and feeling they cant handle things.
    They need back up as well as pull down and the legion has a ridiculous regime that only considers the necessity of showing them their faults never their potential. Tries to show them their vices and ignores their graces and virtues in such a way as makes the young despair of every getting anything right.
    Many grown up are young are not capable of taking much criticism without getting miserable too. We try to insist that grown ups are all tough but they too need back up as well as pull down
    When i read about the opus dei, which was what i first reckoned the street recruiters i had met must be, I learnt that their way of getting members was to ask for blood, sweat and tears. They always say when recruiting, we make people work very hard for good, this is no pick-nick. THe result is that they often, Cardinal Herranz said he joined up because he heard they were a group with a lot of power, however they often get those who want to be good and then they pull them to pieces for fear that if they didnt their recruits might harbour some vice or other. It is soul destroying for those who join them.

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  3. Another trick, two tricks of the legions that stop a person from having friends. One is to always tell you anything bad that your friends and family have said about you and the other is to get everyone trying to correct each other and consequently fighting each other.

    That they always get through messages of other peoples criticisms of you might be better expressed by saying they never tell you anything good that has been said of you. It is normal enough for people to criticise their loved ones, what is not normal and what happens if the legion can influence things, is that you hear no good of yourself while any criticism somehow gets through to you.
    You have to think if this happens to you that this is unreal , much as you have to accept criticism if you are hearing no good of yourself then someone is distorting things making a lie of omission. Most people say a few good things of others If only because people are moderately generous they or some percentage of them, will think of something nice to say about others as well as bad.
    Too most people to talk of faults without trying to put in a good word or two for others, however unattractive or mean others are, seems too mean and they will lard criticism with praise, usually because humans are not one hundred percent bad, so to talk of their good points is only to be fair.
    Of course there are those who want to do for a said person and then they will make sure they only say enough nice things to disguise their attempt to do for the other, they will make sure the balance of what they say is enormously negative.
    People are not psychopaths they do have some virtues and it is just lying not to mention these.

    If a person is a legionnaire they might be unconscious of other peoples virtues. They will, more than like, be incapable of seeing a single grace in others because Legionnaires job is to clean up on peoples faults, this gives them a professional kink, they become incapable of seeing peoples virtues they are so focused on their vices or so focused on finding some possibly bad motive for good acts.

    Their carrying of bad news and filtering of good news makes life very lonely, you have to go on though you never hear praise of yourself, go on trying to love your nearest and dearest much as they seem to only criticise you. In the end it undermines your relationship with others.
    I lived in Spain so I only heard of other peoples comments on me I did not see my cousins and even brothers and sisters, we had become estranged so I only knew what they thought by hearsay so it was easier to feel they all hated me.

    If you complain about all this the answer is, isn’t it good to hear criticism of yourself”? It is, you get unreal if you never do, but then people are very given to criticising each other without the legion there to increase the number of times ones hears ,criticism of oneself. You can usually trust peoples children and spouses to keep them straight. also the legions criticism is terribly over the top and creates havoc in peoples lives and in their psychic.

    One reason that all htis critism it undermines your relationship with others, aprt from it makign you hurt and so seperating you from them and also making you feeel they dont want you, is that legionnaires dont only ciriticise you they also encourage you to fight with people in order to help these others with their character faults so you are all carrying bad news about each other. and that is the second way of the two i write about here in which they undermine people friendships with each other.

    Of course we live in times when psychology asks people to stand up to their parents in order to help their parents with their character faults A famous example of this is Tatum O’Neals fight with her father Ryan O’Neal, so that any appeal to do such a thing seems more normal than it might in another epoch. so it is easier to persuade people to fight their families.
    When i found street recruiters asking me to get cross with my father I decided, faced by such a demand that if i did, I would help my father in his next life, then he woudl be a better person to his mother in a future life,
    Often Buddhist ideas have a lot of sway with me, not that i had read that Buddhism asks you to help people in the next life by correcting faults in this it just seemed a reasonable argument to me. This was my way to face a catholic demand.
    I did not know who street recruiters were so among other things, I also thought that some of their ideas might come from my yoga teacher who I saw as sensible. this made me more inclined to take advice, to fight with my father.

    I could also see the point in learning to fight people because I had failed to defend some weak people when they were bullied when I was a young adult, so I could understand the point of learning to fight and the truth is, I would not be writing this had it not been for the fact that I learnt to fight.
    A legionnaire in the family means the disruption of all family relationships through the legionnaires evil tongue.
    Families talk badly enough of each other without the damage a legionnaires bad tongue causes. The legionnaires damage, on top of the damage that exists in families anyway is lethal for family cohesion.

    I was told by the legionnaire in our family that she had to pretend to family members that it was me who was spreading evil rumours not her, perhaps because I lived in Spain. Had to pretend it for tactical reasons. By tactical reasons she meant that a legionnaire needs all the credit they can get because their work is so important they cannot be discredited so she unloaded all trouble on to me.

    In these accounts here in regain in this section named Regnum Christi, written by the women who have been in Regnum Christi, they talk of being expected to fight with their fathers if their parents don’t agree with them being in Regnum Christi. This is one bit of proof of how the legion causes fights instead of asking people to understand the things they don’t like in others, understand the prejudices of their parents.

    This is one example of how confusing morality is. The legion is so set on curing peoples sins, such as sexual misdemeanours, that it puts tremendous pressures on people and part of these pressures is to find them wrong in all parts of their social reactions, this finding others wrong, which becomes a necessity to find wrong, even when the evidence would say something had been done for good, in everything, reduces legionnaires capacities to sympathise with others and surely being unable to sympathise with others is a sin, and also if you cant see other peoples graces, you will give false witness about them. You will be lead to lie. They concentrate so hard on one type of evil that they don’t see that they have fallen in a different type , that of being unable to sympathise with others.

    The legionnaire I know, the recruiters don’t tell you which group they belong to
    Another reason i have heard of for a legionaire to criticise others is that they seem to have been encouraged to have become very vengeful for anythign ohter have done to them. The excuse for them punishin gothers who have hut them is tha tthese have to learn to treat others better.

    She has been trying to, and succeeding I have heard, undermine others for decades and in the case of those who had very difficult lives, their problems were not a reason for her to think God had punished them enough or that they were too unfortunate to be able to take more troubles on their heads, SHe did not reflect that as they were trying to manage very difficult things, to do tasks in which they were very badly needed, such as bring on autistic children, they did not have time or energy to deal with the criticism of the legion, or the trying to deal with the character attacks of the legion would undermine their energy for the children and make it very hard to centre on them. .
    The legionnaires are very absorbing and so stop you being centered on others and reduce the time you have for your children.
    I should be thinking about how to make sure my son knows I have not forgotten him now and I am writing about this instead. My sister, who will not come out publicly on her part in the legion although a preson had a lot of problem still thought that they, those she considered bad should be punished.
    They hurt people even when these are already an over loaded ark, so that they have attacked the needy so hard that they seem evil to others or actually have become evil.
    I say seem, because legionaires have been taught a series of ideas that make them feel that destructive actions are not such. They destroy you here in this life in order to get you to heaven, so they seem evil while they think they are being good, some of them have maybe actually become evil.

    As a religious person, I thought that God made life what it is so that people could learn bit by bit to sympathise with others more and more, more than they did when young, through having children and such, so the onus was not on me to make them nicer.
    Life does bring people plenty of troubles and brings one love for those who do not return it, so increasing sympathies for others who are unfortunate in the same troubles because they are not always loved or because they don’t have money or because they are ill, whatever.

    I put too much faith in Gods plan or times resolving problems but the legionnaires go to far the other way . They are cruel in the amount of a hand they take in peoples lives, trying to cure them for a faults they had decades before and that life most probably had cured them of, or totally or in part itself. and being altogether too harsh when they do try to cure people of faults.

    They are not only cruel, they are very careless about finding out how the people they attack really think. They are too eager to find faults to be careful, to be right. Also people are more complicated than they think they are, so their methodology is too simplistic to make them good at judging character. Criminally careless is what they are, their methods are very rough, the least they should do is be careful to be right. Well, the least they should do is reduce their brutality but on top of that careless!

    The legionnaire cause trouble between people at the expense of others peoples need of back up and their need of back up when they are being responsible. The legion will pretend that people only want back up when they are not being responsible.,
    You even need friends when you are bad, people need friends, it helps them get right again, just believing someone likes them helps them,
    It is impossible to believe the legion like you much as they pretend to be your true friends.
    They make nonsense of sensible things like peoples need of each other.
    The legion will not allow that people need anything if you say you need back up,they say “what do others matter, you should stand on your own feet”. They get sarcastic if you say you need back up. they cause more evil than they clear up, they might make people sexually pure but they also make people lonely and defenceless by causing problems between friends and family.

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  4. Been readin my first post here and think i have not said what i wanted to say very well.
    It is a disaster to try to write and send something in one day, before it gets lost, I need to read things through on another day to make sure they are properly explained.

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  5. I have been looking up the themes that Tate Wood Allen, who will talk in the International Cultic meeting in Bordeaux cites as part of his lecture. I have looked them up because he mentions a lot of psychological subjects about which I can only guess from their name, such as, crisis psychology and the splitting phenomenon.
    While looked up such subjects I looked up brainwashing which he mentions but which is a process I thought that I understood but that it turned out I knew nothing about.
    Once you have read the article on, ‘how brainwashing works’ which is part of a site called,’Howstuffworks, science, there is no longer any need to try to guess what was being done to the young women in Regnum Christi or to myself by street recruiters, everything they write about in this article fits in with what is done to to people who come into contact with legionnaires or belong to Regnum Christi, at least to those who tell of their experiences in the sect on this site, and probably to the boys in pre-seminaries and seminaries as well.

    Apparently brain washing consists of making people doubt the value of everything they have ever done or learnt which leads to getting them to betray all they ever done, in my case by street recruiters trying to get me to admit that I had bad motives for things I had thought that I had had good motives for doing, or trying, to persuade me that I felt empty, I adored my children and was,at that time, crazy about Buddha and religion and helping people, so i did not feel empty at all.
    When the victims have denied all their old selves from fear of repercussions if they don’t or because they have believed that those questioning them saw further into their old selves than they themselves did. Also, when fear of continuous insults has broken the victims. When they no longer believe in the value of anything they ever did or their capacity to ever manage any situation honourably and when they have forsworn their education and the ideas of their family and pre-legion teachers, when they are broken and fearful, brainwashers then feed them with the new ideology. In all truth they feed them with their ideas while they try to pull their victims to pieces as well as at the end of the process when the victim is broken.

    The article on brainwashing is about the techniques that Robert Jay Lifton studied when he studied how American P.O.W.s had been changed in Korean and Chinese prison of war camps during the Korean war. Techniques that apparently came from the Soviet Union.

    Robert Jay Lifton says the techniques did not permanently affect many of the prisoners of war but then I wonder if these techniques are not much more effective if you add peoples cradle faiths, God and fear of hell, of going to hell yourself or of others maybe ending up there, to the program and even a few miracles. Miracles, or because our brain is fitted out as a radio is, to receive some sorts of waves or some such and can do telepathy,so it is no miracle but we can be persuaded that telepathy is miraculous, and, or, because people such as those in sects are able to fake miracles.

    The article says that religions don’t use, as the Koreans and Chinese did, torture, the help of physical pain to break people however, reading the accounts of those who have been in Regnum Christi, it is possible to think that in fact they do use physical pain, or impossible to think that they don’t, by such tricks as by making it embarrassing to ask for aspirins as asking a cross spiteful spiritual adviser for painkiller one at a time is the only way to get their hands on them. Or. because the spiritual advisers continue programs of humiliation even when these are causing psychosomatic illness, including such painful things as very sever migraines and back pain.
    Illness itself is physically painful in a way, as is depression.
    I have experienced people saying that a tooth which was hurting did not need dental care. So, it seems that through not curing things,that if cured stop the pain, at least the catholic sects, use physical pain, at any rate they do if the Catholics are legionnaires.

    I has thought that brainwashing in the Soviet Union was a process that included such things as not teaching a great part of politics say, of restricting information and of making people afraid to talk of their ideas if these were not those of the state. The worst side of being unable to express yourself being that if you taught your children your ideas and they happened mentioned them in school, you might get sent to Siberia, so you couldn’t even teach your children the ideologies that you believe in, including Catholicism.
    I had not heard that it included breaking people. I was not htinkiing of re-education programs in china or in gulags in the soviet union.

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