This is one of a thirty part exposé on the Children of the Legion. This group of women, then girls, in the Regnum Christi, share their stories of abuse, neglect and the aftermath of being children in the Regnum Christi. For a complete list of stories to date, view Children of the Legion.
I’ve been a bit afraid to write a little of my experience at the PC (actually I feel nervous as I’m typing). I started out bright eyed and bushy tailed as anyone else and CHUGGED the Kool-Aid. I felt pressure from day one of my summer program to stay at the PC because I’m beginning to think now that I fit their little mold. I was crying on the phone to my parents when I made the decision to stay.
As a 9th grader, they put me in charge of quite a few things and I felt excited about that, but I never felt like myself. I liked being a leader a little, but not as much as they pressured me into. I HATED it! I didn’t want to tell my classmates how to clean the darn classrooms! I didn’t want to lead encounters, I didn’t want to sing in front of everyone… yet I was pushed and pushed and I never revealed my true feelings to anyone because I was too scared that I wasn’t following God’s will and (shock! I was freaking 14!)…
I also received a letter from MM when I was ONLY 15… telling me how he knew I would make a great consecrated (something to that extent). To be perfectly honest, that was like reading a death sentence. Sorry to be so dramatic, but at 15 that’s honestly how I felt. After that letter my life went downhill. Every time we went on an outing I envied other people I would see because they didn’t know RC and weren’t in the predicament I was in. I also became ill. Started loosing weight drastically (which I was complimented on because I had begun to look too chubby). Finally I had to go to the doctor’s several times to have blood tests done because I was jaundiced and no one knew why. (YES, stress can mess you up).
How was I treated at that point? I was put in the sick room where the only human being I was able to see in a day was the poor soul who would bring me food. I remember lying in that room forced to listen to a tape of MM talking out loud about spiritual things. It was in that moment I went crazy. He spoke about following God’s will. He said that if your do God’s will you will have peace and inner joy. I wasn’t even close to peace and inner joy. In fact I was in a hole so black life itself didn’t seem to matter any more….how could he say these things? How am I trapped in this room, depressed, anguished, exhausted, stressed and so confused?
During my entire time at the PC all I ever wanted was to do God’s will. I sincerely did. I loved God so much but I was so confused. “God I’m trying to do your will but why do I feel like ending my life?” At that moment I marched downstairs and called my family. I was out 2 days later. No, I wasn’t able to tell anyone goodby. I did visit the next year, but that visit seems like a blur.
49 Weeks
This story is a testimony from the 49 Weeks Blog. You can see this and more stories by visiting 49 Weeks.